A Snowball's Chance in Hogwarts
by Eris Clio
Summary: PoA setting, Oneshot, cute. Remus just wants to drink hot cocoa in the snow, but someone interrupts.


Remus sat beneath his favorite birch tree. It was the best spot to read a book as the sunlight was minimal in summer and maximum in winter. It was indeed the later season and this is why he had almost chosen not to go out. Wanting to spend time outside amongst the beautiful snow and fresh blankets, he bundled up his body as well as he could and had trudged through the drifts to make it here. Being a professor at Hogwarts school did not mean he had to give up playing in the snow. Except now, instead of snowball fights and building snowmen, he cast a simple warming charm on a tree root and took a seat between sparkling branches on the frozen ground. With students all at Hogsmeade, he was quite alone. The lake shone in weak sunlight and the forest was dusted with white powder.

He pulled off his mittens to remove a book from his bag. He opened to his marked page and read.

A few thestrals dipped up from the forest, flying back to the ground quickly. A squirrel greeted him on a low-hanging branch. He pulled out a thermos of hot chocolate and loosened the cap, taking a long swig and clutching it close to him. Everything was serene. Everything was calm and silent and only two sets of footprints dotted the fresh snow leading from the castle.

Hold the _fuck_ up.

How did those get there? His were expected. The other set was not.

Looking round, he saw nothing. He grumbled and hoped no students were around. This was one of the few occasions he had to be alone. Essays graded, lesson plans planned, Wolfsbane drank. Every chore was out of the way. So why did he feel he was forgetting something important? He read on and upon reading about magicians and their cats in Medieval England he remembered. Minerva! He'd promised to return library books for her. They were about to be overdue and he'd sworn to get them there on time. He looked to the castle. To his book, his mug, his very warm scarf. He nestled himself further into the spot and figured he would just tell her that Snape held him up in a corridor on the way there and insulted him so badly he got a stomachache and had to lie down in his quarters. Everyone would believe that. That's what happened last week. Severus might even misremember and agree that he, in fact, _did_ do such a thing today. Ah, well. It was only Snape.

He drank cocoa.

Suddenly, the cocoa was drinking him. It had splashed head to chest, chocolatey mess everywhere. On the tree, the book, his new scarf, even the bloody squirrel on the bloody low-hanging branch. Life was disrupted and chaos blossomed. Lupin realized that it was a shard of flying icicle that had hit his thermos and hand. The thermos flew out of it and landed far away, unreachable. His hand now stung very much. Another icicle shot at him just as he began cleaning the hot beverage off his eyes to see what had happened. Another. Then another into his book. Soon a veritable wave of snow cascaded up and over him and he was buried beneath a pile large enough to hide everything but the puffball on his knitted hat.

"What the bloody hell is this? A thermos? Idiot children think they can waste school resources? I'll fucking fail the lot of you. Go home and ruin your own things."

The harsh voice cut across the desolate school grounds, sounding distant and echoing in the vast field of snow. The voice came closer. Remus pushed snow out of his eyes and tried to move his buried body.

"Why's it snowing? It's barely December. We don't need more of this stuff." another wave of snow piled next to the Defence professor, luckily missing him. He realized now that whoever was walking was shooing aside piles so that they could make a path to the castle

" _Certainly you don't need to visit Knockturn Alley for powdered unicorn horn, Severus, when we have a perfectly good forest full of them_!" he mocked, "Well, fuck Albus. And fuck unicorns."

"Actually I'd advise against such a thing."

Remus swished his wand and a particularly large, cold snowball walloped Severus Snape in the side of his hat-capped head. The green covering fell to the ground along with a basket of sharp, rainbow objects.

"They may be pretty, but the hooves'll leave nasty marks."

Severus angrily wiped snow from his eyes and finally noticed the other professor.

"Next time, look where you're moving snow, Severus."

"What they bloody hell are you doing out here? Trying to catch your dinner?" Severus pointed to the squirrel.

"Trying to find a peaceful locale to read my favorite author's new book. It's a trashy romance novel coincidentally entitled _The Forbidden Forest._ It's good."

"Don't care. How dare you go as far as to assault me with such a conglomeration of frozen ice crystals?"

"You mean throw a snowball?"

Severus let out a wordless growl and waved his wand that three snowballs piled atop Remus, newly freed from his white prison. He was drenched once again in white powder.

He sprung with the force of a very cold wolf from where he sat. His book was tossed aside as he lunged at the other man, now with a fearful look spreading across his features.

"Lupin - "

 _Thump._

Two bodies hit the fresh snow and instantly disappeared as if beneath an ocean of blinding white.

A dash of powder was tossed out of the void in the ensuing struggle, but otherwise all was once again peaceful.

Severus stood, but was quickly pulled back down by Remus, grabbing a mittenfull of black cloak and tugging. Down he descended into the white.

Remus did the same moments later, trying to get away. He was tugged back down. Suddenly a voice broke the relative quiet.

"Hey, what's going on?" Draco Malfoy shouted across the lawn, making birds take flight and a herd of students returning from Hogsmeade turn their heads toward the source of the kerfuffle.

"Someone's hurting Professor Snape!" Pansy Parkinson squealed like some sort of ugly small dog.

Some older, braver Gryffindors behind her cheered.

"I think it's that new Defense professor." said Crabbe.

"Do you _really_ not know his name yet?" Malfoy scolded. "It's December!"

"Weird name."

"It's professor Lupin!" shrieked Hermione as she dropped all the books she was carrying. From Hogsmeade. "Thanks, Granger." Crabbe said.

"Oh my goodness, I think they're fighting!" Lavender brown worried.

"Great, Lavender. Real observant of you."

Remus ran away as he was hit with another wave of snowballs to his back. They took him down.

Severus approached the body only to be ambushed by a mittened hand gasping his scarf and seizing control.

Minerva McGonagall was with the group, making sure they made it back safely without having kissed any Dementors.

"What is going on here?" she righted her glasses as she asked Ronald Weasley who knew nothing.

"Uh."

"Mr. Malfoy?"

"Professor Lupin attacked Professor Snape! SNape told us all to watch out for him and that he could attack us at any moment. He was right!" he gave his unbiased account.

"Nonsense."

"Professor Snape attacked Professor Lupin!" Hermione said instead.

"Oh hold your hippogriffs, this must end."

Minerva swiftly strode over to where Lupin was now reeling Snape in by the ruffled end of his scarf. The man slowly was pulled closer as he braced his feet fruitlessly against the ground.

By the time Minerva had gotten there the two had fallen once again beneath the blankets of sunlit snow.

"I cannot believe that of all the children in this castle, the two of you - "

But luckily she did not have to break up any fight, as she found Remus lying rather comfortably atop the other, his hands on either side of Severus' head. Mittens were pressed into scattered black hair and lips were joined in a frosty but passionate kiss.

"Merlin's beard! What is going on here?"

Remus concluded his work and turned his head looking up. He sat up, straddling the other while Severus let his hands fall onto snowy hips.

"He threw snow at me."

Minerva was at a loss for words.

"And does that...does that mean...that you think this is punishment? Is this some odd...are you?"

"Do you know how many baby unicorns I had to slaughter to collect that many horns? Now what will first years use in their _Befuddlement_ _Draughts_?" Severus sat up as well, placing his hands on his own hips in exasperation, looking at the mess of color around him vivid against the white of the ground. He ruffled his hair to rid it of icy wetness.

"I am sorry about that. I'll collect them, promise."

'Pardon me, the two of you, but you failed to answer my question."

"Oh" Remus began. He blushed, the color in his cheeks heightening only slightly due to the amount of cold he'd been exposed to. He was also covered in sticky liquid chocolate, she noted.

"Yes. This. Well, he wouldn't stop. So I had to kiss him."

Minerva was open-mouthed, hat askew, adjusting her glasses at an alarming rate.

"When did this begin?"

The two of them stood, Remus holding out a mitten to accept Severus' help up.  
"Four minutes ago." Remus shrugged.

"And since when have you two fancied one another?"

"Since seventh year." Remus smiled.

"One minute ago." Severus added. Severus then also said, "We do not."

"You cannot give two contradicting answers!" she stomped her foot and a pile of snow tipped over and landed on Severus' newly brushed-off shoes.

"I feel a lot of things! I'll give equally as many answers!"

Minerva sighed and turned to the waiting crowd of onlookers, who luckily saw nothing beneath the white surface. "Shoo. Back to your houses!"

She waved her hands at them to leave. They did, besides Draco who stayed a few moments longer in worry for his favorite professor. He joined the others in a dejected stomp up the path upon learning that Lupin was okay and the fight had no clear winner.

"You mustn't fight so much on school grounds. You know to keep away from each other."

"Obviously that will be much more difficult to do now." Remus laughed.

"Is this true, Severus?"

He shrugged half-heartedly, frowning and staring at the ground. He toed a unicorn horn with the tip of his boot.

"Well…" she had nothing left to say.

"Disclose it to the Headmaster." she shook her head in disbelief and surprise as she walked away.

When she took one look back she saw Severus grab the werewolf by his scarf and lick his cheek in one swift motion.

Remus laughed and let him lick the chocolate off the other one as well.

Fin


End file.
